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Sober sex

Guys like to have sex on drugs for all sorts of reasons. Chems can make you feel more confident, horny and keep you going for hours.

Sex, especially with strangers or in a group setting, can feel awkward or intimidating. Drugs can give you a short-cut to making it feel like you have a connection with someone or are having great sex. They can make you hornier, harder, more adventurous, more confident and more relaxed – all depending on which drugs you take.

If you’ve been having sex using drugs, the idea of having sober sex can be really intimidating. If everyone you know is having sex on drugs, finding guys to have sex with without drugs might seem tough. Stick with it though. The vast majority of gay men have sex without drugs and many guys have found ways to break the cycle of feeling dependent on drugs to have sex and are really enjoying their sex lives again. It can take time to get there, but check out the section below for some ideas.

Horn on demand

If you’ve been really horny while high, you may find your sex drive curls up and dies as soon as the comedown kicks in, until you get back on it. If you’re reducing your drug use it may take some time for your regular sex drive to return. Don’t worry – this is completely normal.

If you’re also taking anti-depressants, these may have an impact on your sex drive and it might be worth talking to your GP to get some more information.

These can help:

  1. Exercise can make you feel more confident, release feel-good chemicals and increase your sex drive. Use your extra free time to try a new activity or restart something you may have dropped in the past.
  2. Socialising and hobbies. Any activities which can make you feel happier in yourself can have a knock-on positive effect on your sex drive. Check out some ideas on finding new ways to spend your time.
  3. Swapping out porn. It’s easy to fall into certain habits while on drugs and porn may have been a big part of being high for you. Taking a break from porn may help your sex drive kick back in other settings. You can try jerking off to fantasies or your imagination, but don’t feel bad if you’re not horny – you don’t have to feel horny all the time.

Getting back in the saddle

Even if your sex drive is raring to go, the idea of having sex without drugs can be really intimidating. You might be worried about whether you can get hard, whether you’ll enjoy it or whether you can make your partner happy. Many of these worries can seem bigger in your head and you may find them a lot easier to deal with in practice. Here are some suggestions to help you make a start:

  1. There’s nothing better than really liking or feeling comfortable with someone to make getting back into sex without drugs easier. If you have any regular fuck buddies you feel comfortable with (and who would be OK with having sex without drugs), they might be a good place to start. Going on dates with guys and spending some time getting to know someone before having sex with them can also be a great way to put you in a setting where you feel more comfortable. It may also increase the chances of you getting something longer-lasting, if that’s what you’re after.
  2. Many guys have worries or anxieties around sex, particularly if they’ve used drugs during sex before. If you have a fuck buddy or a guy you’re dating (or feel comfortable talking to) it might be worth sounding out some of the things which might be worrying you. Chances are they may have similar worries too, or at least be understanding. If they’re not, then they might not be worth the time anyway!
  3. Think about some of the sex you may have had before using drugs. There might be types of sex or places you have had sex which you may want to return to, or which might be a useful first stepping stone. Just be wary of settings which may lead you back into old patterns around drugs. For example, if you want to go to a sauna, pick one which doesn’t have very common drug use, or go at a time when there will be fewer guys on drugs there – such as mid-week, just after work.

Next: Weekend time ››

‹‹ Back to: Cutting down

Published: 05/09/2018
Next review: 05/09/2021